Curve Balls

Posted on May 15, 2012 by

An N-curve example with N=53

Just when you thought you had it mastered ~~~~ you realized you don’t know anything at all.  Life sure is interesting isn’t it?  We get busy making plans and deciding where our life will go and what is important and what isn’t.  We work on ourselves and somewhere along the line we forget how much we are truly powerless over.   Which turns out to be everything with the exception of our choice of perception.

Recovery is about rigorous honesty.  Facing the truth without blaming, justifying, rationalizing and all that rot.  It is about acceptance of what we don’t want to be true – like the fact that we don’t have control over anything other than our perceptions.  You know it is easy to be positive and grateful when things are good or even semi-manageable.  When the bottom drops out and you think it can’t get any worse, but it does, then you become challenged with a new reality.  But acceptance of that reality will take time because denial can be so strong.  The doctor says,” it is serious”, then you have a couple of good days and decide he must be wrong.  They say you’re an alcoholic and you say, “but I don’t get drunk EVERY time I drink”.  They said the company is closing and you think they’ll find a place to put me.  They say your kid is getting high and you think that can’t be true I asked and he said no. They say, “she’s using again” and you think she can’t be she’s going to meetings.  They say, she’s innocent, the court says, she’s guilty ,then they say, ” I guess we didn’t really know her after all.  They say, “he’s cheating on you”  and you say “no that can’t be true he’s home every night.  So many different scenarios of our brain saying no to what our heart knows is true.   Sometimes it feels so frightening that we don’t want to see the truth or it hurts so much we just don’t want to accept it, yet we can never change anything until we look at it honestly and sometimes that means feeling the pain and walking through it.

So back to our perceptions.  When the truth is that it is a lousy situation with no good ending there is still a choice to wallow in the sadness or find the courage to keep moving forward.  Find the courage to change what you can and keep moving, wallowing serves no one least of all you.  Personally, I choose to be happy most of the time.  Sometimes my happiness is in spite of rather than because of, yet happy is happy and it sure feels a lot better than the alternative.    I always look for something to be grateful for and I always find something.   After all nothing is ever 100% bad and nothing is ever 100% good.  It’s about finding the balance and for me it is about keeping my focus on the good no matter what.

To all my wonderful family, friends and friends that are also colleagues, thank you for all your love and support.  You are all at the top of my gratitude list!!!

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Surrender ~~ Step 3

Posted on March 7, 2012 by
Peace

Peace (Photo credit: Cayusa)

I believe that we humans  all want to find peace.  Peace within will naturally generate peace in our physical environment.  But the problem is that our minds are always wandering, reacting to other people’s behaviors and words.  We are taken over by the thoughts and memories that stream constantly through our mind.  We seek happiness through thoughts or sensual pleasures that satisfy today and are gone tomorrow.  We are caught in a trap of believing that serenity comes from something we do or something we have rather than the way we are.

We can get caught in addictions because buying a new house,  eating a delicious chocolate cake, getting a promotion or having great sex, will temporarily silence our cravings and fill us with a sense of fleeting inner peace.  We mistake this momentary pleasure for freedom and peace of mind, so we hunt for more objects, experiences, or accomplishments to fix our inner craving for wholeness.  We search for security, position, pleasure, and comfort outside of ourselves rather than acknowledging the truth that peace is an inside job.

The inner, instinctual search for a Higher Power is inborn in all people globally.  This quest is spiritual not religious.  Belonging or not belonging to a church and performing religious rituals does not always create spiritual consciousness or a personal understanding of our connection to a Higher Power.  Global wisdom traditions tell us our deep longing for truth, freedom and peace of mind is our soul’s yearning to experience itself.  Our addictions and our craving to connect to those things outside ourself actually pull us further and further away from our spirit. 

Quiet time, meditation, tai chi, qi gong, yoga, are all practices that quiet our mind and allow us to connect with ourself and our Higher Power which dwells within.   Spiritual masters throughout history have attempted to define the experience of quiet surrender, but it is something that must be experienced to be truly be understood.  When our mind is at rest and we have let go of the circumstances of our life and thoughts of the objects we wish to possess we begin to experience a peace and happiness that allows us to feel hope, love and gratitude rather than the constant fears that identify us.  

One of the reasons we will struggle against surrender is because of our fear that if I truly surrender all, things might not go the way I think they should.  For example, if I haven’t worked in over a year and I’m interviewing for a position that I believe I must have, then  if I surrender to the will of Providence I might not get that position.  And the truth is I might not get the position whether or not I surrender, but in surrender I will have peace in the outcome.  If peace is what I want it is available to me if I have the courage to completely let go of my desired outcomes by breathing deeply and quieting my mind.

Life can be disheartening, painful, unpredictable and even traumatic.  Sadness is part of the human experience, but it doesn’t have to be all-consuming if we have learned to see the positive in all situations.  We always experience painful losses, but they don’t have to define us in a negative way.  We are all connected and we need each other to get through the tough times with a sense of loving gratitude in spite of the circumstances.

With loving gratitude to all the wonderful people in my life!  Nancy

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Faith

Posted on February 28, 2012 by
 

What is faith?  And why do we struggle so hard when living in faith brings the peace we all crave?

Truth is we are all afraid of something and some of us are afraid of everything.  It’s the human condition to have fear and the human goal is to challenge and overcome our fears.  Now, I’m not saying that you don’t have areas of your life where you are outstanding and full of confidence, but there are still worries, fears that creep into your thoughts.  Some are real and some are irrational projections of negative possibilities.  Some fears are intense and some are fleeting.  But make no mistake we all have fears and the older we get the more fear we have.

Do we have more fear as we age because we haven’t challenged and moved through our fears as they developed?  Have we held onto and nurtured some of our fears?  The answers are probably yes, yet I believe that the lack of faith is what allows for the fear to materialize, expand, multiply and ultimately make our decisions for us.  Yes, too often our decisions are based on our fears rather than faith. 

If I don’t have faith in you I might try to control you or I might decide to leave you without honestly giving you a chance simply because I don’t believe in you.  If I don’t have faith in myself I will sabotage myself and allow myself to be victimized by others.  If I don’t have faith in a Higher Power I will spend my life struggling with intense emotional pain which I will spread onto others.

When life is frightening and faith is elusive because the fear has become so all-encompassing I have found that the basics are what get me through.  Believing one day at a time, one hour or one minute at a time.  Staying in the present and focusing on the good that happens and not what I am afraid might happen.  I promise you that no matter how bad your day is something good is also happening you just have to look for it.  The more you practice paying attention to the good the more you begin to realize there is a Higher Power that is not out to punish us.  It is also true that what you are most afraid of might happen.  Maybe you will lose your house, your job, your health, but having faith and paying attention to the positive will help you to navigate these difficult times more quickly and with less pain.  Stay close to those who have faith they will help you hold on when you want to let go.   The more you see faith work in your life the stronger you will become.

Taking any leap of faith requires courage and that means facing the fear and doing it anyway.  Sometimes we face the fear by choice and sometimes by circumstance.  Try to remember that 90% of what we are afraid of will never happen and the 10% that does happen can be worked through with faith and the love of friends that strengthen our faith.

The first time I found myself living alone I was scared and then realized I am much more capable that I thought. I was terrified when I handed my two-year old daughter to a nurse who was taking her into surgery.  In that moment I had to have faith in the surgeon, the anesthesiologist and the nurses, as well as my Higher Power and I did even though I was still sacred.  If I hadn’t had any faith I never would have let them operate on my child.  Sometimes we have to believe in what we can’t see and what we don’t know.  Having a sick or hurt child will bring us to our faith or to a complete loss of our sanity in short order.  Loosing our sanity will help no one. 

If you find yourself in a position where you can’t have faith then believe in the love and faith of others and the rest will follow.   Peace, Nancy

 

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Expectations, Addiction, Whitney Houston ~~~

Posted on February 12, 2012 by

Is it a choice?  A decision to continue destroying self and those that love us with the use of spirit alcohol or a mass variety of drugs or compulsive behaviors.  A conscious, awake decision to deal with the depression, anger, hopelessness and self-hatred that come after the ‘screw it’ thought that leads to the behavior that no longer ends well.  Really, is it your choice or does the disease make the decision to take you down yet again.  

Whitney Houston truly an unmatched talent whose spirit was stolen by the many faces of demon addiction.  Attempting to fight her addictions while continuing to try and live up to the expectations of the masses.  One more time, get up and put on the public persona, the face that will be recognized by those that once supported her.  Trying again to live in the illusion of what once was, but was lost again with the most recent fall.  I believe fully that the greatest loss of all that comes with relapse is the loss of hope.

Addiction kills, addiction IS A DISEASE  and the disease is potentially fatal for all that live with this all encompassing chronic illness.  There is an answer and it is my belief and experience that the answer just like the illness must be all encompassing.  Unfortunately, Ms. Houston was caught in a very strong and tight web of global expectation which I would guess made it almost impossible to navigate through what the world wanted from her and what her spirit needed.  Remember the story of Jesus where he found himself in a position of everyone yelling to be healed and trying touch him or his clothes?  He was overwhelmed and had to leave.  Bottom line is when everyone wants a piece of you there will be nothing left when they are done.  We do not owe our soul to anyone.  Our expectations are not the responsibility of the  singer, actor, sports figure, etc. that we judge and either exhalt or condemn by our determination of worthiness.

Addiction kills and today I pray for the peace of mind and spirit that Ms. Houston and all the other addicts lost around the world were not able to find while they were with us.  Rest in peace

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As is in one - so is in the whole

Posted on February 7, 2012 by

Reblogged from Recovery Blog with NSG:

We are connected and in spirit we are all the same, yet we choose to war over our differences.  We choose not to recover, because we judge our differences.  I just keep thinking how wonderful it could be if we just accepted that we are all part of the same whole, children of the same universe, with various gifts that just look like differences. 

Read more… 242 more words

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My opinion on character defects and recovery

Posted on January 31, 2012 by

I received your  question about character defects and recovery and although I have written about these things before the questions keep coming so let me try again.  And let me thank you for reading and asking.  Without the questions and comments there would be nothing more to say, so again thank you.  I do not take you for granted.

Character defects, we all have them.  This isn’t just about addictions, codependency and the like it is about life on planet earth.  We all stumble and fall, we make mistakes and need to find a way to get up and do better next time.  Life on life terms is not about being perfect, but it is about being perfectly willing to honestly look at ourselves and take responsibility regardless of what others do.  Taking responsibility is about building character and defects mean we are not perfect and are always challenging ourselves, hence the 10th step. 

Humility is the ability to put our ego aside and say I was wrong.  I apologize when necessary because I want to be better and do better not because you apologized first.  I need to do what is right without running away or trying to manipulate a situation and make it softer and easier.  Recovery means that I don’t want to hurt others as the result of my addiction, depression, etc.  I want to move beyond my pain and the pain I have the ability to inflict on others by developing enough character to humbly and honestly ask for forgiveness.  For the sake of my spiritual growth I need to ask for forgiveness knowing that you do not have to forgive me.  It is your choice to accept or reject me and my choice to let it go after I have done all I can.

Being honest and accepting things as they are and not as I would want them to be means I have to get out from under the denial.  Life is what it is and it can be wonderful.   I have often written about my very deep gratitude for the people in my life.  I have never had to change people, places or things because as I began to change and grow those things naturally began to change as well.  People stop calling and coming around when you begin to move in a direction they are not interested in going in.  The blessing is you start finding new people on your journey.  We are never really alone, but you have to be courageous enough to allow people into your heart knowing they are not and never will be perfect.  How do you do that?  By looking first in the mirror.  When you can accept yourself as you  truly are, with your imperfections, scares, defects and all it becomes close to impossible to judge the imperfections of others. 

I wish for you the love and laughter of family and friends daily.   And on those days when you feel most lonely and vulnerable try to remember that you matter and you are being prayed for by many.  We are all in this together and as the song says, life is a dance we learn as we go.  We are teaching each other daily we just need to ask ourselves what our actions and words taught others today.

Be well, Nancy

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We ~~ The most important word in recovery.

Posted on January 23, 2012 by

I can’t do it alone.   I’m really not sure I can do anything alone.  OK I sometimes laugh or cry ‘alone’ while watching TV, but the truth is the actors and actress I am watching are the ones triggering my behavior.  We can do together what none of us are capable of doing alone. 

Healing, growing, changing, acceptance, all require help from others.  Truly, most of us identify ourselves by how others see us.  We often make changes based on how we are treated or perceived by others, as well as, our selves.  Acceptance takes guidance and help from others.  Having someone to talk to from your heart makes life so much easier and more fun!  As I have honestly stated before, if it wasn’t for the people in my life that I lean on, that I cry with, laugh with, and even pray with, I would not be who I am today.  It wasn’t my education or my religion that made me who I am it is the people I choose to surround myself with that make me or break me.  The people in my life remind me of my strength when I feel weak, laugh with me when life gets silly, go out with me when it gets lonely, and can be painfully honest when that is what I need.  I know I am one of the most fortunate people on the planet because of my family and friends because they are the only ones that stand with me when it gets really tough.  Together we get through the hard times and celebrate the good.

I thought for a second that I do pray alone and then I had to laugh at myself.  After all prayer, for me, is either having a conversation with my Higher Power or it is me being still and listening to that still small voice within.  Either way I’m not alone.  I am never really alone, none of us are.

Thank you to my family and friends for making the woman I am today. I love you!

PS ~ Rigorous honesty is in the ‘How it Works’ chapter in the Big Book.

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Serenity

Posted on January 8, 2012 by

prayer..When I was in high school we said the Serenity Prayer everyday.  I never paid any attention to the words, all it meant to me was that the school day was over and I was out of there. Today is different, I not only pay attention to the words when I say that prayer, I rely on them to help me stay centered and not get lost in circumstances that don’t truly belong to me.  Anytime something gets inside of me I have to ask myself if I am trying to control a situation I don’t want to accept or am I not seeing what needs to be changed in me.  The answer is almost always both.

Sometimes I say all three-lines of the prayer and sometimes I just repeat one line over and over like a mantra until I come to peace with my circumstance by doing what I need to do.  There is always action involved in change.  After the action is taken then it is time to leave the rest to God. The first three lines of this prayer are recited in 12 step meetings around the world. These three lines are what we said in school and are what I say daily. Although the first three lines are the most used I would like to offer you the words to the prayer in full.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.  The courage to change the things I can.  And the wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.  Taking as He did this sinful world as it is and not as I would have it.  Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will.  That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

May you find peace in all of your days.  Love, Nancy

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But it can be – a beautiful ride~~~

Posted on December 26, 2011 by

Isn’t it interesting that no matter how bad it seems ~ it’s never just one thing.  As the sayings go, when it rains it pours.  Life on life terms ughhhhh!!  It seems like every so often life jumps in with the intention of crippling us emotionally, but that’s when we have to use our free will to make a decision.  It is a choice to live life in the pain and bitterness or to find a way to walk through it and wait to find the rainbow at the end of the storm.   Believe me I’m not trying to band-aid with platitudes.  I am painfully aware that loss changes life forever.  Hopes, dreams, assumptions,  all lost with the ‘change’ caused by the death of a loved one, the loss of faith, of health, of financial security, of spiritual awareness, of friends, the loss of our identity.

Who am I, if not independent, healthy, secure, confident?  Who am I, if not a friend, colleague, mentor, sister, daughter or mom?  Where does this path lead after everything has permanently changed and nothing is familiar anymore?  I’ve learned that the path is still heading to the same place it always was.  It isn’t the path that changed it is life’s circumstances and the emotional impact of life on life terms.  Just like you, I showed up here with a round trip ticket and a guarantee that no matter what happens on this ride it is temporary.  Everything, absolutely everything, comes to pass nothing comes to stay including life itself.

For the most part people do not come back from physical death, but people raise from the ashes of emotional death all the time.  There is something inside of each of us that keeps waking us up even when we don’t want to see the dawn.  Something that makes us move, although robotically, through the most painful of emotional times.  We are here to live each day, one day at a time, but too often we choose to die each day to our lack of control and inability to accept that which we don’t understand.  We choose to live in wishes and dreams of what could have been and never was or what should have been and never will be.  We completely forget that nothing is permanent and nothing, absolutely nothing is 100% good or bad  – nothing.

As has been said by those much wiser than I, our lives are lived moving forward, but only understood looking back.  We begin to understand that our greatest trials have the capacity to bring our greatest gifts, but only if we are willing to feel the pain of our losses and begin to let go of our righteous anger and bitterness.  It is my experience that we can’t do this alone.  We need each other to remind us of all that we have forgotten in our pain.  We forget that no matter how devastating the pain and loss we are still here for a reason and although it might feel like we lost everything that is simply not true.  You are loved and cared about.  You deserve to feel good about the time you have been given and you probably need to begin reaching out to others to help you remember those things you have forgotten.  None of us can do this alone and the more we reach out to others the more we again begin to recognize our connections and our true strength.  By reaching out we not only save ourselves we also save those we reach out to.

If anything is important then everything is important.  Thanks for being there!  Thank you for your prayers.  And if you are feeling lost and alone remember you are in my prayers and in the moments of silence practiced around the world.

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Life ain’t always beautiful ~~~

Posted on December 15, 2011 by

Sometimes you never see it coming and it knocks you so far off your square that you can’t remember what your name is.  Life on life terms, happy, joyous, and free, grateful one day at a time and then it happens.  And you begin to wonder why you have worked so hard to change your life when at the end of the day the pain of life just keeps coming.   The loss of those we love, those we thought loved us, our hopes and dreams, visions of a future that will never be.  It can feel like the positive changes were meaningless and a sense of hopelessness can fill our heart.  Loss is painful, but not insurmountable. 

Sometimes it’s not just the events, but the reaction or lack of reaction from those we thought were closest to us that increases the depth of the losses.  When my cousin died her sister talked about how she lost some of her closest friends at the same time.  They didn’t know what to do so they abandoned her when she needed them most.  Loss is not something we get over in a day, a week , or month.  Sometimes the loss is great enough that it takes the rest of our lives to adjust.  But grief comes and goes in waves and it lasts as long as it lasts. 

If you have experienced the loss of a dream, please find a new dream.  If you have lost an ability, grieve your loss then begin to build on the strengths you still have.  If your losses are the result of an addiction, please don’t lose more of your life to the self-hatred that can come from that realization.  If you have lost a relationship, learn from the loss and build healthier relationships tomorrow.   Life isn’t over, but it is different.  If you have lost a loved one to death due to an accident, illness, or suicide, lean on those who love you and are capable of being there for you.  Reach out to those who have been there and don’t stop talking about what you are going through until you can’t talk any more.

Unresolved grief will change you and eventually take a physical toll.  Returning to self-destructive behavior as the result of loss is guaranteed to bring more losses.  Finding a way to walk through the pain, with the love and support of others, can help you to recognize our connectedness.  In the words of Helen Keller, ” Although life is filled with suffering it is also filled with the overcoming of it”. 

Dont’ let go,  don’t give up, those of us that continue to struggle need your strength and light.  I know you don’t feel strong, but you are and one day at a time, breath by breath you will find a way.

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